Dr. Chapman describes the love language of quality time (QT) as the "concept of giving someone your undivided attention, not talking to her while you read the newspaper or watch television but looking into her eyes, giving her your full attention, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly."
I recently asked my older sister Sarah, who lives out in L.A., what makes her feel loved. She responded by saying when she is hanging out with someone and they are giving her their attention and having good, meaningful conversation.
She went on to say, "If I like somebody, I spend alot of time with them." Before my sister moved out to L.A., she lived and worked in Nashville in the music industry. There she discovered, along with other girlfriends, an alarming trend they coined "The Nashville Hang."
"The Nashville Hang" sounds like it could be a positive thing for a girl whose love language is quality time. A QT girl doesn't need to be showered with flowers and gifts or have someone wait on her hand and foot all of the time. Her deepest emotional need can be met through sharing deep conversation or a meaningful experience with someone.
Unfortunately, that is what happens.
The QT girl leaves the hang feeling satisfied and hopeful that the relationship is heading in the right direction, while the guy has no immediate intention of commitment. He whimsically flits in one weekend, then disappears for another three.
As you can imagine, this has very devasting effects on a QT girl. She doesn't know if he will call that weekend to "hang" or not. "It is sort of a pre-screening dating process where the girl is not allowed to have expectations," says Sarah. This is not just a Nashville phenomenon. For more on hanging instead of dating,check out "the art of manliness."
When my sister moved to L.A., she met another one of these flaky guys. Things would be going great for a little while, then 'poof ' the infamous disappearing act. A few weeks later the proverbial hook would be baited again with the casual invitation to hang. A promising hope would rise in my sisters heart, only to be met with disappointment.
It should be noted that quality time is not the same as quantity time. Twenty minutes of deep conversation goes further than three hours of superficial shooting the breeze. Although the "NH" may offer quality time, it provides no stability to a relationship and leaves the QT girl in emotional limbo with her needs unmet.
When asked about his undivided attention during these "hangs" Sarah responded by saying,"Sometimes...but he also has a tendency to look at his phone alot...text, ect., people do that too often these days..."
In conclusion, if you are befriending, dating, or marrying someone whose love language is quality time, doing something other than giving them your undivided attention during your special time together will send the message that they don't matter as much as that other activity does, thus resulting in the other party feeling unloved.
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| Sarah |
I don't think this is exclusively a male trait. I, for one, have been out on more than a few dates with "flaky" girls who disappear for long stretches, don't return calls, freak out at the first sign that a guy has any "expectations," and so on.
ReplyDeleteI've also known quite a few girls who will seemingly have a deep, emotional conversation with you one minute (creating the illusion that you have "bonded"), then act aloof and standoffish the next.
I think, in these situations, that everyone has a tendency to think that the "other side has it easier." In fact, you have people on both sides of the gender divide who have different "love languages" and whatnot.
On the editorial side, you might want to watch the commas a bit. Other than that, it looks good! Keep it up. xD
Oh gosh!!! Really a sports bar that is a smoking red signal that "He is really not that into you." It is in quotes because that is a book and movie that provides in depth detail as what signs(mostly guys) give off to tell a girl they are really not interested.
ReplyDeleteAs to what Tony is suggesting above, I agree with him. It is not always guys but sadly to say they do it more often than girls. OR we hear it more from girls than guys.
I digress...Your blog is wonderfully written, and explains in detail about the "Nashville Hang." Funny! But sad in the same breath. I love the way you provided a credible source to your blog.
Overally, nicely written about love language because I think we all need an eye opener once in a while.
I'm starting to open up to your blog a little more. I like how it's changing from how you feel loved, to how to make someone else feel loved. I think you can add a funny video to show your point on the subject of a bad sportsbar date. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteTino's always chumming for acting jobs...
ReplyDelete