Intermission...

This week I decided to take a little hiatus from the love languages, to talk about something I believe to be true.

Ever want the company of a boy/girlfriend or friend and text them to come hang, only to be met with a bunch of questions? "What is there to do?" "How long will it take me to get there?" Basically, the fundamental point that they are trying to find out is, "Will it be worth my time to come out?"

The response in my head goes something like this, "You're spending time with me, what the frik, does it matter what we do?"

In the olden days, I would have tried to bribe them with, "Well, I can make you dinner..."(which usually worked). Now that I'm getting older, I have come to the conclusion that if it has to be me plus xyz, it simply is not worth the effort.

Now, in all fairness, I do live in a small town that has very little to offer entertainment wise;however, I am under the conviction that if I am interested in you, we could be watching paint dry or skipping rocks in the local creek and be immensly satisfied as long as we are shooting the breeze.

I understand that this isn't going to work every Saturday night, but relationships are a give and take situation and I am usually more than willing to come to where the action is, but it shouldn't be a burden to come to my stomping grounds every once in while.

Ok, enough said.

Next week, I will resume the Love Languages. Thanks for reading.

The Language of Love Part 3...

Imagine you have just found out that the person you are closest to has died. Instantly, you experience a range of emotions, and during the drive home, anger, sorrow, and confusion are your only companions. Overwhelmed, the tears start to flow from your eyes.

Suddenly, without giving a rip what the people in the car next to you are thinking, you begin to scream uncontrollably. Then, after you get home, and the tear wells have dried up, you sit staring blankly out of the window and think to yourself, "If I just had someone to hold me."

Extensive research has been conducted on babies and the positive effects of  physical touch versus neglect. While taking a course on interpersonal communication, one particular study revealed that babies who received touch were healthier physically, mentally and emotionally; and the babies who were neglected would often die.

Dr. Chapman claims that, "Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words "I hate you" or "I love you."

According to the book "The Five Love Languages" more often than not, the way you receive love is the way you give love. A licensed massage therapist (LMT) by trade, you might assume that my primary love language is physical touch. You would be correct.

Years ago, I lost my closest friend, love, and confident through a tragic death. Coming from a family that is not huge on hugs and kisses, I just needed someone to hold me. At the time, I was living by myself in an apartment.

I will never forget the night my mother came over.

We didn't do a lot of talking. It was as if she instinctively knew what I needed. She just sat on the futon next to me and held me for a long time, as I violently sobbed. Without verbalizing it, that single act of loving kindness spoke volumes to me, saying, "I love you, I'm here for you and I won't let you go."

 

 Me and Mom

*Side Note* Dr. Chapman will speaking at the Schuster Center this Saturday, May 21, 2011 to a sold out audience. I was sad that I didn't get tickets in time, but happy to know that his book is still touching the lives of many. If you are interested in checking out other events go to http://www.garychapman.org/calendar.htm.

The Language of Love Part 2...

Ever have a guy take you to a sports bar for a first date? UHHHRRR! Wrong answer! Who wants to compete with 30 plasma screens!?! Come on! Perhaps, there are some ladies who enjoy being there, sharing their wings with him and Kobe; but, if I even catch a glimpse of him steering the car towards that black and yellow buffalo clad sign, it's over. Ok, maybe that's a little harsh...

Dr. Chapman describes the love language of quality time (QT) as the "concept of giving someone your undivided attention, not talking to her while you read the newspaper or watch television but looking into her eyes, giving her your full attention, doing something with her that she enjoys doing and doing it wholeheartedly."

I recently asked my older sister Sarah, who lives out in L.A., what makes her feel loved. She responded by saying when she is hanging out with someone and they are giving her their attention and having good, meaningful conversation.

She went on to say, "If I like somebody, I spend alot of time with them." Before my sister moved out to L.A., she lived and worked in Nashville in the music industry. There she discovered, along with other girlfriends, an alarming trend they coined "The Nashville Hang."

"The Nashville Hang" sounds like it could be a positive thing for a girl whose love language is quality time. A QT girl doesn't need to be showered with flowers and gifts or have someone wait on her hand and foot all of the time. Her deepest emotional need can be met through sharing deep conversation or a meaningful experience with someone.

Unfortunately, that is what happens.

The QT girl leaves the hang feeling satisfied and hopeful that the relationship is heading in the right direction, while the guy has no immediate intention of commitment. He whimsically flits in one weekend, then disappears for another three.

As you can imagine, this has very devasting effects on a QT girl. She doesn't know if he will call that weekend to "hang" or not. "It is sort of a pre-screening dating process where the girl is not allowed to have expectations," says Sarah. This is not just a Nashville phenomenon. For more on hanging instead of dating,check out "the art of manliness."

When my sister moved to L.A., she met another one of these flaky guys. Things would be going great for a little while, then 'poof ' the infamous disappearing act. A few weeks later the proverbial hook would be baited again with the casual invitation to hang. A promising hope would rise in my sisters heart, only to be met with disappointment.

It should be noted that quality time is not the same as quantity time. Twenty minutes of deep conversation goes further than three hours of superficial shooting the breeze. Although the "NH" may offer quality time, it provides no stability to a relationship and leaves the QT girl in emotional limbo with her needs unmet.

When asked about his undivided attention during these "hangs" Sarah responded by saying,"Sometimes...but he also has a tendency to look at his phone alot...text, ect., people do that too often these days..."

In conclusion, if you are befriending, dating, or marrying someone whose love language is quality time, doing something other than giving them your undivided attention during your special time together will send the message that they don't matter as much as that other activity does, thus resulting in the other party feeling unloved.

Sarah

The Language of Love...

Yesterday, I went to the local bookstore to see if I could find a certain book that I had been hearing about for years. I was in luck, they had one left. It is a  New York Times #1 best seller and has sold over 5 million copies, meriting the Platinum Book Award from the Evangelical Publishers Association. 

"The 5 Love Languages"was written by pastor, speaker, and author Dr. Gary Chapman. He has done extensive graduate work and holds several degrees from some of this nation's most prestigious universities.

The book captures the essence of this blog  by stating that a person can feel loved when you are speaking their love language. The  five basic love languages are comprised of the following: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. 

Because I feel that each of these languages deserves some attention, I would like to feature one of the languages each week. This week I chose to feature words of affirmation.

My friend Liz says that her love language is words of affirmation. I asked her when she first realized that fact. She said "probably after I got back from Omaha where I had very little affirmation and was quite miserable as a result and didn't understand why...." She went on to say "My boss in Arkansas made me feel so cherished...I have many things from him, whether notes or memories, that make me smile still."

Dr. Chapman states,when using words of affirmation as a love language, "Within that language... there are many dialects." One of the dialects included is encouraging words.  The word encourage literally  means "to inspire courage." It is very difficult in a job situation, to feel courageous or even cared about, when someone is being critical of you.

Tone is another important key here. Someone can say I'm sorry, but there can be different meanings behind the way those words are said. If spoken in a sarcastic tone, the result will be less than beneficial.

Our words are a powerful force in the lives of those we care about. They can either build up or tear down. The way we choose to use them can mean the difference between someone feeling demeaned or loved.

                                                             Me & Liz